Shell Bee Toe Sure

I wish my life were an infomercial product, and there would be a lot of clips in black and white of me messing up and doing badly in social situations, and then all of a sudden people describe me with amazing adjectives, in color, and doing things that shouldn’t be possible by science, and wowing my friends, family and neighbors because I am so great.

Have you ever fallen on hard times and wanted to engage in a hobby that pissed off the loved ones, changed your personality, and you swore when you were twelve that you wouldn’t end up doing it, but were way too much of a wimp and was afraid of getting in trouble to do anything?

Hello Everyone. How are you?

As you may have read, there is now an unnatural piece of materials inside of me for at least three years. This is both my attempt to be 99% women, and 1% cyborg, but it is also a 99.6% chance I wont get pregnant.

    Unfortunately, I wish that a team of doctors inserting a rod into me so I can became sexually active when I so choose without the horror of bringing a Shelby 2.0 into the world isn’t the biggest medical report I give to you all.

    I just got back from having a procedure done that is supposed to get rid of most of the  bad bacteria in my stomach. Which, unless for some reason your first image of “removing the bad bacteria from my stomach” is either wishing on medical horse shoes and four leaf cloves, you can probably guess it isn’t very fun and I now have a stomach ache.

   I should also probably mention that the reason I had to get rid of the bacteria from my stomach, wasn’t so much because I think that I’m better than all of you and your disgusting food bags and deserve the cleanest stomach in all the land, but because my disorder, P.A.N.D.A.S. is ruled by infection. When my body gets infected, the antibodies that go out to kill it, instead, attack my brain, and in severe cases (now and once four years ago) sometimes it wouldn’t. This time, it’s been over a year. So, if I get a really, really, really bad flu my brain is basically a pirate ship under siege.

Anywoo, methaphors aside, the good news is I get to go out with my friends Celina and Kahla tomorrow after I feel better, and the best news, I just made Nutella fudge pops/ice cream cups. You can probably google how to make theses in five seconds, but while you’re here, I’ll teach you how to make them.

How to Make Nutella Fudgepops A La Shelby:

Acquire Nutella and Skin Milk.

Get out a spoon and a very tiny bowl.

Realize the tiny bowl is one of the sauce dipping cup your brother used to steal from Applebees.

Mix Nutella and Milk together in bowl, there are no measurements because your laptop is all the way downstairs and you’re pretty sure you can’t screw up a two ingredient dessert.

Put dipping cup in microwave. Dart eyes around making sure you’re parents didn’t wave up.

Mix again, until good enough.

Put cup in the freezer and hope by morning time you’ll either have a great treat or at least some pretty decent cold chocolate milk.

   After googling “how to start a blog” three times after I wrote that last sentence, I’ve concluded the best way to segway into more posts and introduce to you everything great that is Shelby, I’ll write ten things about me.

1. I just HAVE to listen to music everyday.

2. I luuuuv my friends more than anything! :)

3. I’m secretly SUCH a nerd lolololol don’t judgeeee

4. OMG Chocolate… <3

5. I’m shy when you first meet me but crazy when you actually get to know-

That was REALLY painful to write, but according to The Internet Terms of Use and Services as a young adult between the ages of 12-22 I am obligated to include those first things to any formally written about me list in order to comply. Companies invest millions into this policy so that people never know the truth about not being quirky because they own an ipod, can relate to people of similar ages and interests to them, dont follow every mainstream social norm, ingest food thats bad for them, and don’t reveal every personality trait upon meeting a person instantly. (Sales on New Girl dvds boxsets, ukeleles and shirts with sassy sayings on them would drop dramatically, destroying the economy.)

Here are more narrowed down, but equally as self indulgent, things about me:

1. I’m studying film and video in school right now. I really like producing, editing, writing and art direction. I wrote, produced and dressed up a bunch of teenage girls as living dolls. I’m thinking about using that line on every job interview, date and social outing.

2. I have a rare disorder known as P.A.N.D.A.S., Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal infections.

3. I’ve always hated that the name of my disorder is abbreviated to that. It’s hard to get people to take a disorder seriously when after I explain to people that I have it, I have to follow it with “yeah, I know. It’s name is silly.” and “Uh huh. I like the bear too.”

4. I’ve recently really gotten into feminism, and it’s one of the only things that makes me feel empowered anymore. There’s a lot too it, and I really want it to evolve past the concept of “Women still pissed off that a couple years ago they couldn’t vote” and “vagina-y things that demand to be treated better than men.” I’m really into the aspect of looking for things I can do personally as a women, to make things fair for both genders in society. I’m also interested in body image empowerment, for people as wide as a bear, and as skinny as a plank. Everyone shames everyones body types, and it isn’t cool.

5. I interned at a big name post house in Manhattan when I was a freshmen in college, it was a great opportunity and it gives me a chance to guilt myself at not screwing things up but also be extremely cocky at the same time. “Shelby, you were on an editing staff that worked directly with JANES ADDICTION, and you can’t even remember to use a coaster?!” and “Wow, for someone who LIVED IN GREENWICH VILLAGE for a month and a half you really could have gotten higher than an 85 on that test.”

6. The next summer, I spent the same amount of time at the Mclean OCDI center. It was an unlocked center for people to live for a month or two who have OCD. I met a group of people there that you only figure you could meet in dramatic teen novels and an highbrow HBO series,  I learned a lot about life there, but most importantly how awesome and great and cool I am. I get at least one message a week from people of all ages, social classes and genders, telling me that I’m “fierce and fabulous.”

7. When I was 14, I was afraid of most men in the world. Not in a “I’m so shy and guarded  isn’t my mistrust of you endearing?” romantic comedy sort of way.

     I knew a lot of people in junior high who were abused, so that fear manifested through my OCD into a full blown fear of talking to or even being near men. I worked through it almost completely, and the only things left from it, are that I get incredibly anxious when a man sleeps in the same room as me, unless I’m in a relationship with him or occasionally, if it’s a homosexual man.

8. Tina Fey is my role model. She’s the perfect mix of celebrating her imperfections, without coming across as a lovable nobody, and celebrating how great she is, without coming off as someone who celebrates how great she is.

9. I’ve won two out of two consecutive best dressed contests at my school’s campus movie fest. My outstanding ability to put on a patterned black dress and stand infront of a backdrop with one arm down and the other one behind my back has earned me 75$, lead to significant events in my life and meeting about 50% of people I know on campus.

10. Every two years I have amazing luck. This is usually followed by four years of terrible, terrible luck. The kind of luck you get after spitting on the graves of twenty-six leprechauns.

Anywoo, this is a rough draft of my first non introduction blog post. Feedback is nice and cool and amazing.

See you later,

Shelbettes (title of fans of Shelby still undergoing brainstorming)

Dear target audience of young adults ages 16-24,

     You may be wondering why my first blog post isn’t entitled “new blog! :)”, “Hello!” or “2013 resolutionsss!” Well, as you can probably guess, I’m at that special, yet frequent time in a young middle class woman’s life where she has almost no idea whats in store for her immediate future, and also isn’t too keen on what it will probably be.

     Also, let me continue with saying, I am terrible at origami. Why is this relevant at all you ask? Well, the most common thread of advice I’ve been given over the past year, is probably to express myself through something and get a hobby.

     Truthfully, I feel like this blog is probably more of an artistic contribution to the world and better way of dealing with my depression-driven problems that a poorly lit youtube video of me singing “On My Own” off key into a webcam, drawing badly shaded anime characters crying in the rain with hair covered their right eye, and learning how to play Wonderwall and only Wonderwall on the guitar.

(If you can do any of those aforementioned things well, more power to you. Live the dream.)